


An Infinite Loop

by laireshi



Category: Avengers (Comics), Marvel 616
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-09-28 05:37:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17176919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laireshi/pseuds/laireshi
Summary: "You and I were meant to be together, even if we weren't meant to be happy."





	An Infinite Loop

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Cap Iron Man Community](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Cap+Iron+Man+Community).



> The summary is also the prompt! The quote comes from here: <http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=1019>.
> 
> Thanks to runningondreams for beta!

At first it’s a blessing, the way him and Steve always find their way back together. Starting the Avengers teams with Steve seems to be an addiction Tony can’t shake, but it’s not a destructive one, the contrary. He’s always better with Steve.

It becomes a thing, SteveandTony, CaptainAmericaandIronMan, always together. 

And it’s true, if not in the way Tony wishes it were, but he’s glad to be in Steve’s proximity any way he can. 

***

Tony’s the first one (Tony remains the only one) to stab Steve in the back. He’s always known he’d destroy everything he holds dear; he could think it shouldn’t be quite so painful when it finally happens.

He’d do _everything_ for Steve, but there’s a line: Tony can’t, he _really can’t_ allow anyone to use his weapons. And if Steve doesn’t understand that, Tony has to go past him, even if it means going _against_ him.

He leaves Steve temporarily paralysed, unable to follow.

This time, they talk it out. This time, they think they can move on.

***

The next time Steve and Tony stand together: Steve is the only one of their friends who believe Tony didn’t get drunk. It’s more important than Tony can express. But for all that they don’t fight each other, the team falls apart around them.

It’s both better and worse than fighting between themselves. Tony thinks he could do anything if Steve’s with him, but when the Avengers Mansion burns, they can’t stay together. They can’t share the grief to make it easier: it only multiplies between them.

It’s wrong. They were supposed to be able to face everything when they were together, and they couldn’t even save their friends.

 _Next time will be different,_ Tony hopes, pushing away the fear as, sharing bagels, they agree to start again.

*** 

They call it the Superhero Civil War, later, but there are no words to describe the pain and the loss and the world when the ashes settle, so alien it might as well be a different reality, a nightmare to wake up from.

But Tony can’t wake up.

 _It wasn’t worth it_ , he tells Steve’s body, tears streaming down his face, _It wasn’t worth it_ , he repeats with his every breath.

There’s nothing to rebuild here. Steve’s dead, and Tony’s hopes lie with him.

***

Tony wakes up to learn he’s missing two years of his memory, everyone hates him, and Steve’s mad at him. 

They both know better now, though. They both know how bad it can get. They’re prepared.

They don’t talk it out. They scream it out, they yell at each other, they don’t apologise. 

They’re not on the Avengers together until the world almost ends again, and Tony makes Steve a new uniform and Steve kisses him on the battlefield, hiding them both from curious eyes behind his shield.

They’ve known each other for ten years now.

Tony swears to never disappoint Steve again.

***

The choice is between Steve dying and Steve hating him, which is not a choice at all. Tony betrays Steve with no hesitation: _anything_ to keep him safe. He doesn’t expect Steve to ever understand. Steve’s never loved him like Tony loves Steve.

Tony lives in the lie until Steve punches him in the face and he tastes blood and thinks, stupidly, _it’s from Steve’s broken heart_.

They reunite as the world ends and they fight each other under the burning sky. 

It’s a curse or a miracle, but they don’t die.

They rebuild, in the end, because they can’t stay apart any more than they can stay together.

***

“He loved you,” the man who is not Steve says to Tony’s comatose body.

For all his lies, this time he is telling the truth. Once upon a time, before Tony ruined it all, Steve would hold him like he was precious.

Tony’s one constant is that he loves Steve, but how can he claim it if he didn’t notice Steve wasn’t Steve for months?

When all is said and done, when Steve comes back, they try again: a new team, a new beginning, an old hope held together with denial.

***

The next disaster hasn’t come yet, but Tony’s counting the days until it does.

They always come back together, that’s true, but for that to happen, they have to break apart first, fight and tear at each other and damage each other like only they know how to.

Tony’s tired of being broken.

(He still breathes, _Yes_ , the next time Steve asks.)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Even Though Our Love is Doomed (Remix)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17892017) by [jayjayverse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jayjayverse/pseuds/jayjayverse)




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